What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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