we have pet lesbian snakes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
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