btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
