so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Even my vagina gasped.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
