The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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