I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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