the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
