It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
