fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
