the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
