You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
