as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
