How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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