sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
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I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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