walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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