Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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