im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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