my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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