fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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