i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
