He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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