he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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