he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Pooping to opera.
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