I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
