the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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