never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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