my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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