some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Randomize
