Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
