1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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