I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
