Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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