no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
