Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
