Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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