i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Also, beer. Big fan.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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