I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
