Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
