considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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