Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
