I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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