It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
