oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
