R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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