Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
