guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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