my sisters under your porch take her home
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
