U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
