I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
