My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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