People in love make me want to vomit
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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