Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
