He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
