I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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