i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My bed smells like the plague
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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