guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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