Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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