I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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