My first STD was from a foam party
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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